Chester's Journey...Nov. 19

Chester has some obsessive qualities. He loves his puck...this thing I bought at Paradise Pets several years ago. It is this asymetrical rubber bouncy puck thing that he absolutely is enthralled to. When you throw it it just goes all over the place and that just adds to the fun of chasing it. He is sitting beside me slobbering it at this very moment, making one side of my leg very warm. He also loves his green tennis ball and will play get-the-ball tirelessly. He gets it and then shoves it between your knees until you take it and toss it for him again. Chester has several stuffed 'guys'...his stork, his seal, his rat and there's an alligator puppet around here somewhere as well that does in a pinch, though technically speaking it is BeepBeep's guy. He likes to do this nursing thing on them that is very endearing. Most of all he likes to yell at Kippy and tell her that all the problems facing the planet right now (and probably in the past) are her doing. Her fault. She is guilty. Kippy ignores him and takes it all in stride. She thinks he's a loonie with an anger management problem. Her solution to pretty much all things is to ignore them.
Most of all Chester has a very distinctive, grouchy bark. He looooooves to bark. It can be a little excessive. My brother thinks that Chester's actual name is Shutupchester because Chester likes to bark when I'm on the phone. Now I never want his barking to stop and it will all too soon.
I hated having to leave him for so long yesterday. Grocery day is a pain in the ass and long and all I wanted to do was come home. I had to browbeat Twyla into leaving the house. She doesn't want to leave his side...not even for her music or to get mail. She was like that...not wanting to leave the hospital... a couple years ago when her Grandma Mavis was dying of the effing C word. She was crying and crying the other night and sobbed "I can't go through this over and over again...I don't want my dogs to go away". I feel exactly the same way. I've worried about this for a long time now, how I couldn't face this. I certainly didn't think it would start so soon. I told her that we all go through this as time goes by, our loved ones drift away. If we are lucky, they are very old like her Grandma Olga, who was quite ready at 100 years old to move on out of her ancient body and see her Mama agian, thank you very much. When you bring a puppy (or kitten or any small animal) into your life and really, truly make them an integral part of your family...someone you can't do without, you face the day that this will happen, whether they are elders who just run out of steam or whether they get sick and are stolen from you by a thief in the night, we face this. Some might say that sorrow defines you in character somehow. It chisels away at your soul really. Maybe that is the reason we move on. Each time that you lose someone, they take a little piece of your soul with them until there is more on the other side than there is here and you just sort of...pull together where most of you is. There is certainly a very large piece of me that I feel loosening inside. And there is not a good feeling in the dark edges and cracks. I remain strong for Twyla and because so many other little fur and feather kids need me to be present and have enough love for them. They still need to play and laugh. But you drift away a little, you know. I find myself drifting. The love and support of all of you mean so much. Your words are a comfort. Chester is still pretty happy and strong. He still wags his whole body when he sees us and still wants to play, though he's slowed down a little. He's sleeping now by my side, curled around his puck after licking off my new sugar and spice lipbalm which he thinks is an especially tasty one. His breathing is easy and his warmth melts a little the edges of the frost that has taken hold of me deep inside. Dawn has broken and somehow I feel at one with the snapping, bitter cold. In a way, though I worry about my outside animals pretty much constantly now, it seems right that the world out there is just as cold as me.