Chester's Journey - Nov. 21

It is easy to get on with things when you're busy. You kind of just go and don't think about anything. The weekend had moments of that. Moments I wish I could have extended. Saturday was very quiet but there was still stuff to do and then Sunday had some very busy moments with groups of people coming. It was a pretty decent turn out for the fundraiser. Anyway, it was way better than last year when one person showed up over the whole weekend. It was only after dark when we started to tear it all down and pack up that reality came back. One of the lymphs under Chester's chin has probably doubled in size since last Monday when he was diagnosed. He still has spurts of great energy for chasing the puck or his ball. But he pants now after a half hour of play when he didn't just a few weeks ago. I find that I am waking up at ridiculously early hours and my routine has changed. I used to get up, let the cat out, go let Zoe out to go potty, put on coffee, turn on the computer, let Chester, BeepBeep and Kippy out of Twyla's room and let Zoe in. I'd grab my coffee and the three pups and I would sit and do computer work. I actually have two chairs rigged together so that we can all sit together without everyone trying to crowd onto my lap. Now I get up long before dawn to check Chester's breathing. The truth is I am checking to see if he is breathing. He lets me lay my pyjama top over him when he comes out and lays on the couch, which he never used to do. Then I sit and just stroke his soft fur and look at him. I whisper to him that he needs to stay with Mama and Twyla...how can we do without him? He just kisses my hand and looks at me. He refused to eat his peanut butter over the weekend...one of his favourite things. He still has an appetite for the food I am preparing for him but he's not much interested in his kibbles. I think what I noticed the most is that he didn't go crazy with continual barking when people were coming and going over the weekend. He barked a few times but mostly slept on his chair. I let him stay out this time. There was no way I was going to kennel him even if he barked non-stop. Every morning now I wake up with this feeling of something missing. I used to (read two weeks ago) wake up and sort of have a game plan. Now I just feel like something is missing. Like there is no focus or enthusiasm for much of anything. I had a lot of people over the week sending me messages of the type that say "just hang on and it will be okay, you will get through this" or "you are strong, everything will be alright" and I know they are trying to help and I love them for it. But. No it won't. No, it won't at all. It is wished that it will be alright. I wish it. But there is something that has altered in me and moreso in Twyla. Chester has been there for a very large part of Twyla's life, every day all day. He has spent every night but one, for at least some time, sleeping on her for nearly eight years (though he chooses to sleep curled up against her legs rather than on her head as he did when they were little...probably a good thing.) He's actually stopped moving from bed to bed now and sleeps mostly with Twyla. It's too tiring to make Kippy move from whatever bed he wants.

I haven't heard anything from the subsidy people yet and the ticking of that hateful clock grows louder each passing moment. I hate leaving him now because the changes are coming so rapidly. But I have to go to the feed and seed to get what I can while I can. I have to ship stuff. I have to get things like groceries and water. I'm not even bothering with the stupid laundromat. Whatever, right. The laundry is still going to be there. My sister asked anxiously "will he at least last until Christmas?" and I said "Of course...".

Now I wonder, will he? Who grants miracles to a precious little guy like Chester so I can throw that damn puck for him for a bunch more years? Who? Hello...is anybody there...?