What's in a Friend, By Any Other Name...

Someone asked me a couple of days ago my opinion on how to know when someone is really a friend or just playing games. They had recently had the heartbreaking experience of feeling betrayed by someone of the opposite sex who they trusted was their 'best friend'. We all go through this at one time or another. How do you know, when you trust someone, that they aren't just in it for themselves. I've had about a million conversations with women (only a tiny bit of hyperbole here!) about whether women and men can be just friends. In my experience and in observation of other people's experience, there is a very narrow window here. The answer tends to be for the most part, no. Now I'm sure that there are those of you who will jump up and down and say "no, I have male/female friends and it's great!". I don't doubt it. I would have jumped up and down and said the same thing at one time. But here's the thing that I and many people I know have experienced. The friendship between men and women is (often unbeknownst to one or the other party) very lop-sided. In other words, someone has a crush and is playing the role of 'friend' in the hopes that it will become something more. I've had many 'male friends' who seemed like really awesome people willing to do anything and everything to help out, be a pal, be supportive. When I was about 19 or 20, I knew a guy who worked in a shop across the mall from where I worked. He was just the nicest, most supportive person. I was going through a rough time with my roommate, I had no money  and 'John' was really understanding, liked to buy lunch, hang out and just listen. We'd go out to eat and he would commiserate endlessly with my situation. We hung out, rented movies and in my mind there was not even a glimmer of sexual interest. Unbeknownst to me, that was not the case on John's part. In his mind, it turned out, he had us "together". He was biding his time. Things took a turn for the extremely weird when I met someone and began a relationship. I didn't spend less time with John. I didn't talk to him less or think any differently of him. But he began acting in the most bizarre manner whenever the new boyfriend was around or  mentioned. He began to act almost hostile towards me. There was one strange afternoon when the boyfriend was over. We were having a beer and John showed up unannounced. He took one look at the boyfriend and this odd look came over his face, as though he were trying to act the part of Pacino in The Godfather or something. He then sat on the edge of the coffee table like a perched vulture. I gave him a beer, tried to have a conversation. Not much was said. Then to my astonishment, he literally threw back the beer in one long gulp, crushed the can in one fist, kind of slammed it down, got up and in a Clint Eastwood voice muttered, "I gotta go" and slouched out. The looks on our faces must have been comical to say the least. What can I say? I was a kid and didn't put two and two together. The boyfriend certainly did. I think he felt a little sorry for John and that just made things weirder. Long story short, after a particularly rude display on my 'friend's' part, I had to make a choice. John was not it. It happened several times over the years. You meet a nice dude who seems to just want to hang out and pal around and you make the mistake of being nice...ie: You hug bye as you would a female friend, you tell them personal stuff, you share problems as you would with a female friend. Things in life are never simple, though. The relationship starts with an over-enthusiastic helpfulness and a willingness to do just about anything. The second that it becomes clear that the only relationship that is happening is in one person's head, things go south. Male acquaintances tell me the same story in reverse. It's hard to be nice to someone when both parties are 'single' because that underlying thing is always there. I even had a deep friendship with a VERY gay male friend many years ago. We were both single and spent every waking moment hanging out together. He once said to me, when I went to his place for supper, "You know, we'd be together if I wasn't gay".  I didn't know if I agreed or not and still don't...I didn't find him an attractive man but he was sweet and I still treasure the friendship I had with him. We eventually drifted apart when he got into a relationship and moved away. The point is, even then there was an underlying "what if...".  In the case of many male/female 'friendships', once it became clear that I was not interested in anything more than friendship, the hostility begins. It is taken as an affront or blow to the ego that feelings beyond friendship are not returned. I've had experiences where the person who feels they've been jilted or turned down (even though their agenda was underhand) becomes quite nasty. There is a sense that the person wants to punish or 'get revenge' for this imagined dumping. I think women can be even worse for this than men. I've had female friends who played the role of 'friend' to a guy in the hopes that it would turn into something more. In the worse case scenario, in their own heads it IS something more. When the truth is revealed (usually when Mr. Friend introduces a new girlfriend), let me tell you, hell hath no fury like that of a woman who imagines she's been scorned. I've known women who almost turned into stalkers. I've watched friends pining away for someone who never showed the slightest interest from what I could see other than as pals.
Let me tell you something I've learned over the years. Men and women can be friends...usually if one or the other is gay. I'm sure that there are exceptions...I haven't seen too many, but there is always an exception to the rule. The friendship only tends to work if there is a group involved or if it is kept VERY casual. Maybe it's the way we are hardwired. You can be acquaintances with the opposite sex when you are in a relationship but don't try to spend too much time with that person. Someone's gonna get a hurt real bad, one way or the other. You can be friends as a couple with another couple, but if your partner wants to hang out with the other partner of the opposite sex, problems are bound to follow. It's how we are. And we live in a society where people are free to socialize with the opposite sex. In many societies, you just don't.
Then there are the people who serially latch on. In other words, they glom onto anyone of the opposite sex who shows them friendship then explode the second that their bubble is popped. Then they serially hate that person, at least behind their backs...to their faces there is still a forced friendliness. Oddly, they never seem to just go out and find an actual relationship. It is almost as though it is easier for them to sit back and fantasize about someone that they likely know deep down has no feelings for them whatsoever, and then be enraged about women/men in general. Then they can say "See...Men are assholes" or "See...Women are nothing but bitches".
To delude one's self into thinking that there is more to a friendship or someone's friendliness toward you is a fool's errand. And it doesn't really work to "be up front" and tell the person "All I am interested in is friendship". For some odd reason, often people hear that as "I just have to try harder". It is true that the best relationships start out as friendships but friendships do not automatically mean relationship shortly to follow.
You also must not fall into the trap of being friends with a person because you feel sorry for them. I have made some huge, stupid mistakes with that as well and it caused nothing but pain for the other person, which to this day I am regretful of.
Here's a pretty fool proof list of rules. It is not comprehensive but it is a guideline that can help you to navigate people's feelings and can help you avoid causing great pain to someone else or to yourself. It can also save you a bundle in comfort chocolate:

* Don't get too cozy with the opposite sex if you are in a relationship already. Trouble!
* There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". Someone is going to feel more than the other. That's just the way it is.
* If you are in a relationship and as a couple have friends in couples, keep it that way. You start meeting Bob's wife for coffee and there's gonna be trouble.
* If you are in a relationship and find that you are attracted to a friend, end the relationship or end the friendship. Or there's gonna be trouble. You really cannot have both.
* If you are attracted to someone in a relationship, for your own sake walk away. Don't pretend to just be their friend. You and I both know you are just waiting for your chance. There is nothing but trouble there.
* If you want to try the whole male/female friend thing, it is probably best to keep a certain distance, especially physically. What is a friendly hug for you is likely something entirely different to the other person and could be trouble down the road.
* If you are pretending to be a woman's/man's  friend when what you really want is something more, don't.
* If you are more into them than you are pretending, tell them and get it over with.
* If they tell you that they are not into you that way believe them.
* If they are into you, they will tell you. If they are not, walk away. You are doing no one any favours by hanging around looking like a mournful hush-puppy.
* If you hang around and act like an angry, jilted lover, get over yourself.. You are not and you are making yourself look the fool.
* If someone gets into a relationship while they are 'friends' with you, they were never into you. They are into the person they are with. Let it go. Stalking is very unbecoming.
* If you do something inappropriate or act in an inappropriate way with a 'friend' (ie: and this is in no way a complete list )- too much touchy/feely after you've had a few;  implying to your friends that there is more to said friendship than there is; acting rudely to their other friends;  being possessive when they are with another person of the opposite sex; making assumptions about how close your 'friendship' is...be prepared for that person's anger.
* If you are acting like a guy friend to get closer to a guy you like (ie: dressing like one of the guys, talking like one of the guys, watching sports that you hate, etc) a) his other guy friends likely think you're an idiot and know what you're up to b) his new girlfriend will see right through you

The bottom line is this: Men and women are built very differently and not just in the plumbing department, which is why there are a million Mars-Venus types of books. If we are not gay, we are designed to go after the opposite sex, especially if the opposite sex seems kind and we are lonely or hunting. Women, I think, are better at thinking they can 'just be friends' and share intimate things with a male 'friend' because that's what they do with other women. They can be a little careless about the effect that can have on a guy they want to be just friends with.
Men don't, as a rule, share intimate things with their male friends. So when a woman shares something intimate, it is viewed as intimate. It is viewed as an invite or message that more intimacy is desired, even when it is absolutely not. So ladies, if you want to have someone to share your innermost feelings and personal information with, keep it to the same sex or a sibling. Men, whether they admit it or not, have delicate egos and can lash out in strange and sometimes unpleasant ways when that ego has been bruised. Male friends should not be viewed as asexual replacements for a female friend. 

Politically, economically, educationally and judicially men and women are entitled to be viewed as absolutely equal in every way. When it comes to our mental and emotional make up, heterosexually speaking,  we are not the same. We think differently. We view the world differently. Our chemistry is different. Our evolutionary urges and desires are different. In may ways, on an emotional level, we are a different species. And that is not a bad thing. It doesn't make one or the other greater or lesser. It just means that we have to be realistic in how we behave toward one another and maybe a little more observant. We can say the same thing to a man and a woman and they will each hear something entirely different and act on what they hear.


So. For those who are wondering if men and women can be 'just friends', in my opinion, it's maybe possible, but people are people and people are very seldom upfront, especially when it comes to emotions. Be careful.  Use discretion and some common sense. If you suspect that they might feel more than you do, it's probably true. If you have gone in for a few too many friendly hugs and they cringe away, stop it. They are sending a clear message. If you want more than friendship but are pretending to be just friends, you are acting in a dishonest and underhanded way, especially if the other person has come to trust you as just a good friend. You are betraying them in the worst possible way. There is nothing okay about that.


What's on the menu: Mushroom soup
Listening to: Dawson singing "Moves Like Jagger"
Reading: 'Torment' by Lauren Kate
To Do: Web Junk
Viewing: Great Lectures: The Italian Renaissance